百大最差壞消息表達法

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是一個從英語版翻譯過來的項目。

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這是中文翻譯版（包括了一些用自動翻譯程式翻譯出來的奇怪名詞），請順便修正後多加一些惡搞到炸掉的添加物。

百大最差系列

1. 壞消息表達法
2. 愚人節玩笑
3. 自殺方法
4. 辯論取勝法
5. 驚世發明品
6. 發達方法
7. 火狐插件
8. 食物
9. 旅遊景點
10. 笑的時刻
11. 神奇寶貝產品
12. 武器
13. 聖誕節做的事
14. 法庭發言
15. 玩具

[範本 • 討論 • 編輯]

100-91

100. 開宗明義

你有愛滋！

99. 用訊息框

您有新死難家屬（上次紀錄）。

98. 利用蘇俄倒亂法

在蘇聯，你的愛妻粉碎了一場爆炸。

97. 利用隔行

你的報告出了，除了

有點過胖外

絕對沒有問題，我早叫你不要因為少少

症狀就呼天搶地。

96. 利用小畫家

95.. 1337

扌倉 求攵 失 貝攵，亻尔 白勺 子亥 子 已 糸巠 死了。

94. 利用膚色

93 利用外太空的神秘信號

92. 利用麥太寓言

在很久很久以前有個人叫陳大文，

有一天，他患了乳癌。

91. 石頭，剪刀，爆！

81-90

90. 愚人節玩笑

「我燒了你的家。愚人節快樂！其實是暴徒燒了你的家。」

89. Hire a telemarketing firm

"Hi, this is Fly By Night Marketing calling, we have a 10-cents off sale on coffins today only..."

88. 圖像文字表

87. 在門外宣布壞消息

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Yule"
"Yule who?"
"Yule have to use a colostomy bag for the rest of your life."
-or-
"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Somebody stabbed my mother in the face. I wonder..."
"Somebody stabbed my mother in the face. I wonder who?"
"It was me... since you asked so nicely..."

86.

85. Skywriting

Have "Your baby has died" written in 40 foot high letters of red smoke above the town where they live. Don't forget to include their names.

84. Take out a two-page ad in the New York Times

83. Make them feel guilty to take the blame off yourself

"I'm sorry Billy, we couldn't save your mother. God has taken her up to heaven. I guess you just didn't love her enough."

82. Make a page about it on 維基百科

Hey, anyone can edit it, and there probably isn't an article entitled "I killed your baby"

81. Tell them to look on the bright side.

"Hey, sweetie, you know how you've always wanted a guest room? Well, I figured that since our son is going to jail and he's not going to need that room for about five years, we could talk about redecorating."

71-80

80. 利用 你有兩頭牛

"You have two cows. First you have to visit your mom in the hospital, and then you have to bury your wife."

79. Reprogramme Windows

78. Play I spy

"I spy with my little eye something ending with... AIDS"

"What?"

"Your life!"

77. Use an allegory

"So the evil trolls from the land of Leukemia traveled through the red rivers of Circulus, and the Grand Wizard Immuno was powerless to stop them."

76. Hold a parade.

What says "you have one month to live" quite like a Breast Cancer March or AIDS Walk down the main street of your hometown with their name emblazoned on bright, colourful red and pink banners.

75. Soften the blow with a present

"Hi honey, I'm home. I just got back from the high street where I bought some fine fresh flowers for your gravesite. Oh, by the way, Doctor Smedley called and said there was something he needed to tell you..."

74. Make Lance Armstrong tell them

"huff huff huff huff huff... uh so huff huff yeah, your huff huff huff son died."

73. ...So remember kids! When you see that big flash of light, always remember to duck and cover! Don't end up like little Billy's sister who forgot!

72. In another poetry

Cockney Rhyming Slang can prove versatile for any occasion, as can haiku.

71. Distract them with sheer panic

Lock them in a room with a starving, rabid polar bear and shout the bad news through the key hole.

61-70

70. 

69. Tell them during sex.

http://images.uncyc.org/commons/thumb/4/48/Sliver2.jpg/180px-Sliver2.jpg

Girl: I have Aids. Man: me too. I have Herpes. Me too. I have clamidya. Me too. I have diarrhea. Say WHAT?!

68. Point out irony to lighten the mood

"And your son committed suicide with the gun that you bought to protect your family. Ironic, isn't it..."

67. Charge money for every bit of information

Might as well make some cash out of it.

"It has to do with your mother."

"What does? Just tell me."

"You know the rules. Ten bucks, or no new information"

"Ok, here!"

"Thank you. It's something bad."

"Oh for fuck's sake! Just tell me already."

"We'll get there eventually. Would you like to continue?"

"Jesus Christ! Here."

"It happened this afternoon..."

66. Charades

65. Pee a message into the snow

64. Get a parrot to say it

Awk! "Your daddy got hit by a bus." Awk!

63. Burn down their house and write it out using the ashes

Especially poignant if the message is "I burned down your house, Sorry: Bob Richards."

62. Save it for when you're losing an argument

"Oh Yeah? Well... Well.... You've got lung cancer!"

61. Take them sky diving and tell them right before they jump out

"Ok Phil, remember to pull the cord after about ten seconds. Not that it really matters, what with the tuberculosis and everything. Bye!"

51-60

60. 

59. Pay their favourite celebrity to tell them

"Hi, Mikey, I'm Michael Jackson! I heard you're a big fan of mine! Well, I just came to your house to let you know you'll be dead in three months!".

58.

57. Use JavaScript

function Message(rapedInTheEar)

    {

    alert("sorry");

    yourMom = rapedInTheEar;

    }

56. Write it in blood on their brand new white carpet

"Sorry Jim, should've saved that money for the chemo!"

Or you can do it on 4chan (it's just as bad)

"You know how you already have no life?...."

55.

A Ransom note.

54. Do it on a cheezy talk show (ie Maury Povich or Jerry Springer)

"Uh, honey, I couldn't tell you this unless I was with Maury, but I've been cheating on you with your best friend, and our baby may not be yours, and our baby may actually be an alien."

53. 

52. Get yourself on the news and say it on live television

"God told me to do it, I'm so sorry for the families of all the seven people I killed, but I didn't have any choice. Oh by the way Nick, I know you're watching this, your daughter has AIDS."

51. Use a really creepy crossword clue

"A six letter word starting with 'C' and ending with 'R', which is also a Zodiac sign, that you, your wife, and baby son have."

41-50

50. Bizarre pictograms. They'll probably never decipher them, but at least you didn't have to tell it to their face.

      O   |  O !  |!!!  O  |   |O  |
     -|-  | -|-   |    /\  |   /|  |
      ^   |  ^    |   ^    |  ^    | >-|O~

49. Blame it on foreigners

"Those damn Mexicans gave you a brain tumor!"

48. Cancer porn.

47. A singing telegram

Ask Pinkie Pie how she did it.

This is your singing telegram, I hope it finds you glad

You're invited to Lee's FUNERAL 'cause we think you're really sad

46. Disguise it in a catchy web banner!

45. Pretend they won a prize

"Congratulations, Dianne! You're the one millionth person to get a check-up at our hospital! Guess what you've won!"
"What?"
"Free healthcare for the rest of your life! Two months worth! Woo!"

44. Buy a vowel

43. Steal their phone and record it as their ringtone.

42. Trust in the Bible.

I am glad to inform you that the court has found a suitable resolution to your long-standing child custody dispute. This court has consulted the timeless wisdom of King Solomon and on the basis of the doctrine of stare decisis has decided to simply chop the child in half.

41. Make it a nickname.

"Daddy's home, where's my little HIV-girl?"

31-40

40. Master the art of ventriloquism and make it look like somebody else said it.

39. Microsoft Excel Pie Chart

38. Tell them at the altar during the wedding ceremony

"I do. Also, I have a penis. Yeah, I probably should have mentioned this sooner, heh..."

37. Use humour to relieve the tension

"Have you heard the one about the guy whose mum had terminal cancer?"

36. Using a bad cryptic crossword clue

"You haven't WON this battle, NEO. You've got only _ _ _ more day to live". (1)

35. After a light saber battle while your opponent is hanging on for dear life

"I am your father."

34. Inhale some helium from a balloon to add a touch of hilarity.

33. In a business meeting

32. With the Old Military Trick

'Allright, you maggots. Everyone who's got a wife that's alive step forward. Not so fast, Miller!'

31. Throw them a 'bad news' surprise party.

"Happy Final Birthday!"

21-30

30. By giving subtle hints

"Now spin the wheel to answer our mystery question: Who has cervical cancer?

29. Make them go find on their own

"Why I haven't seen your kitty cat all morning Susie; but maybe you should look under the front of daddy's car."

28. Treat them to a full body wrap at the spa and tell them when they are cocooned in saran wrap and cucumber purée.

27. Send in the clowns

26. Use a Monty Python reference.

"Honey, there's a Mr. Death here, come to see about the reaping..."

"Your third castle just burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp! But you tell the kids that these days..."

"Nobody expects the Salmonella Inquisition!"

"Is that parrot a Norwegian Blue?"

"You've got AIDS...nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more, say no more."

25.

24. Pay David Letterman to Annouce It on the Top Ten List

Top Ten Ways You Can Tell Your Wife Is Cheating on You:

• (Letterman does his usual antics for the first nine)
• 1. You are Thomas Smith, 346 Main St., Oldstown, Missouri 32403.

23. Spray paint it on their car, house and, if possible, rear-end. Spray paint it on their cat.

Be sure to include 'sorry' for a touch of empathy.

22. À la Nelson Muntz

"Aaron, your family was violently murdered. Haw haw!"

21. Pieces of Info

Tony: "Do you have health insurance?"

Linda: "Yea, why?"

Tony: "No reason. Just asking. Uh, how do you feel about ebola?"

11-20

20. Call someone with Tourette's to do the job for you.

"You have 模板:Expletive two weeks to 模板:Expletive live."

19.

You have new maladies (last tumour).

18. Imitate The Ring

"Seven...days...until your medula melts."

17.

16. Wax philosophical

First tell the one you need to deliver the 'bad' news:

"Life is nothing but suffering, the only times you are happy, exist because you're suffering a little bit less for a few seconds, now think about death: no more suffering, only pleasure, joy, enjoyment and amusement or in other words heaven. In fact you can not go to hell, because life is hell. I envy the dead."

Then tell the bad news, like: "Your pet is still alive", "Your mother is already dead", or "I'll be dead before you."

15. Distract them with physical pain

• *punch in the face* You only have two weeks to live!
• Kick Me!: Tape a "kick me in the crotch, then tell me that I have penile cancer" sign to his back.

14. Make a card, but not the kind Hallmark would make

13. Try to compare it to a famous example

"Remember when Freddie Mercury got AIDS and ended up wasting away and dying? Well, this is kinda like that. Except you're a shitty singer."

12. Disguise it as an award

11. Use the power of radio.

For Bubba from Tallahassee, whose only son just got eaten by a hungry alligator, here's Sir Elton John's smash hit "Crocodile Rock"!

Jason Mann would like to send a big hug to his friend Bill Lavender and tell him his son was killed by an elephant! *elephant noise*

Oh, and this long-distance dedication goes out to Joe Schmuck of Moose Breath, Sasquatchewan from all the fine doctors at Billy-Bob's Blacksmithery and Cancer Clinic. Here's Another One Bites The Dust, a former Queen-sized top-one single which may well be the last song Joe Schmuck hears before the malignant tumour spreads to the rest of what was once his brain.

1-10

10. Summon the town crier.

"Oyey, oyez! People of this fine village, lend me thine ears! Syphilis hath taken its toll and this fine citizen shalt be dead upon the morrow! Oyey, oyez!"

9. Seek mummers or carollers to deliver your festive message.

Joy to the world, the school burned down

And all your children died...

8. Deliver a message using a squad of crazed underage cheerleaders

What does that spell? Y-O-U... YOU! Rah rah rah, GO TEAM!

7. Halftime at the Super Bowl

If nothing works, you can always combine 6 & 7.

• Nothing says "We'd like to give a hearty hello to the fan in seat 42-D, who has 5 days to live!" quite like a six-foot singing, dancing chicken at halftime.
• We cut away briefly from our coverage of this year's wardrobe malfunction to show the Not A Good Year blimp, and its message "Billy, Your Papa Just Died Of Lung Cancer". And, on that note, here are a few words from our sponsors Marlboro...

6. The awesome power of interpretive dance

5. Talk about the TV shows "Lost" or "Survivor"

Hey, do y'know what I think is in the coffin? Your mother's corpse that was dug up last week.

Six doctors have voted. You have been voted off the island. Guess we won't see you next week. For everyone else, same time, same channel...

4. Supportive comparison

"Good luck at the concert tonight, Sally. You'll kill 'em, just like the rabid bear killed your parents!"

3. Double jeopardy

"Here we go, it's Fatal Carbon Monoxide Poisonings for $100. The answer is YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY, now what was the question? You have three days..."

2. Write it on stone tablets then send some guy up Mount Sinai to collect.

1.

Hey Derek, I know you hang out at Uncyclopedia, so if you're reading this, your daughter jumped off a roof this morning. --Dave 01:33, 2 七月 2020 (UTC)