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「上等茶為竊也。」

- 馬克思的說法

「(英國腔)我不喝那野蠻人的咖啡的。麻煩請給我杯茶。」

- 英國紳士對服務生的喝斥


「我喜歡在玩過活塞運動之後來杯好茶。」

- 奧斯卡王爾德的說法


Tea)是一種最初從中國傳出的飲料,在傳入歐洲之後,慢慢演變成了英國人越喝越上癮,一天不喝就會掛掉的飲品。在英國之外的地方,有著各式各樣不同的喝茶方式,但固執頑固的不聽勸解的英國紳士們卻十分堅持要喝他們所認為的好紅茶,至今已經花費了 2,646,863.91 英鎊在每個茶包上。

目錄

[編輯] 相關引文

「諸多形式的茶,只有『你的茶』是上等茶。」

「沒有茶可以相比你在家親自調製的。」

「所有的茶含有相同的致命物質,就是DHMO,這是由一群喜愛科學的人搞出來的爛笑話。」

「茶是一種在反物質物理中的主要成份,佐以巧克力餅乾,味道就會不錯。」

「無論科技多麼落後,我們都可以製造枯葉、熱水。」

茶的面貌非常多,但只有『你的茶』是上等茶;再好的茶也無法與你親自調製的相比。然而必須小心的是,所有的茶含有相同的致命物質-DHMO二氫化一氧。茶是反物質物理實驗中主要的成份,佐以巧克力餅乾,味道就會不錯。時值今日科技高度發展如此,人們生活精緻茶類繁多無比,然而無論科技多麼落後,只要能製造枯葉、熱水;我們總有茶可以飲用(或使用)。

[編輯] 傳統的茶

There are many different theories as to how tea was invented. The most popular theory goes that a monk was sitting in the grounds of a monastery underneath a tea tree, carefully drinking a bowl of boiling water, when a passing bird defecated in the bowl. In disgust, the monk threw the soiled water vertically into the tree. The water spread through the tree, dripping down onto the now thoroughly pissed off monk. Some of the water, which had now infused itself with the tea leaves, fell directly onto the monk's tongue, leaving the monk with a pleasant taste in his mouth (which helped to counterbalance the searingly intense pain incurred by having a bowlful of boiling hot water splashed all over him). After having been released from hospital, he rushed back to the tea tree with a bucket of boiling hot water (only falling over and scalding himself again twice), and tea as we know it was born. (Incidentally, this is also the origin theory of the delicacy known as bird shit soup.

Another theory goes that tea was used by ninjas as a way of staying awake. This was used after some foolhardy young ninjas tried to cut their eyelids off -- good in theory, but they hadn't foreseen the problems this would cause, i.e. the inability to blink, the drying out of the eyeball, and most severely of all, automatic disqualification from staring contests due to cheating.

Tea has been discovered in many other ways. One day a truck driver was driving down a road and drank too much water, so he had to piss. He went into a forest and pissed on what is now known a tea plant. He had very bad aim and pissed way above his head onto some tea leaves. Some tea was then infused with his piss. The stupid guy had his mouth open and his piss went back into his mouth. But he thought, "That was the best piss I've ever tasted." So he got a bucket and put some tea leaves in it, and pissed in it. He brought it home to his family and they loved it. Later they started a tea company and sold his creation bottled throughout the world. His name was Earl Grey.

The English claim that it was they who in fact invented the principle of tea, although in the olden days, due to a lack of tea trees in England, they used pig toenails boiled in milk instead. Though foul, it helped the development of the English language somewhat. Before the invention of tea, all the English had to talk about was how piss-poor the weather was. Now, they could talk about the piss-poor qualities of their tea as well.

It is also known that otters secrete sub-atomic tea particles (teons) into the water just before making a kill, in an attempt to lull their prey (usually an Englishman that's strayed too near to the riverbank) into a false sense of security. It always works.

The principle of tea was based on the curiosity of what water mixed with food would taste like.

The scientifically agreed origin of tea as written in the Bible, states tea was discovered in the "War of Lesser Newts" by the almighty Lord of Tea, Max and Bob, King of the Internet.

[編輯] 如何泡杯好茶

先找一杯
  1. 求己不如求人。
  2. 沒有人的話,求人不如求己。 (?)
  3. 找一杯後倒茶。
  4. 不,還是我去泡。

[編輯] 各種種類

[編輯] 喵兒茶﹝Kitten tea﹞

將小貓靈魂悶在水中,如同一般泡茶的方式。將小貓的靈魂在水中燉煮,如烹茶般的。有些人將喵兒茶看寧願想成是 "忽聞河東貓咪吼" 喵生氣惹kitten huffing!!其他人按照以往的認知,遭遇意外事件例如死亡。

[編輯] 噓噓茶

倒入小孩子尿尿的茶,(如果你是小孩子的話)當你想尿尿的時候你就可以輕鬆的製造它。除了尿尿之外,你沒有什麼其他可以做的,當然如果有客人來的話,你也可以助他一臂之力,幫你的客人加點料。

[編輯] 橘子茶

顧名思義就是用橘子作成的。這種茶在荷蘭很受歡迎,because William of Orange says so and because the people in Holland own all the tea plantations in 印度斯里蘭卡

[編輯] 檸檬茶

和上面的橘子茶其實成份差不多,不過為了讓「檸檬」茶看起來更鮮黃,它多加了一百公克的E732(食用色素)。

[編輯] 無法被原諒的茶

這種茶的成份有茶、DHMO砒霜伊波拉病毒折凳天花病毒炭疽病,不用另外添加薄荷來提味。It is served in asbestos cups, with spoons made out of razorblades. Understandably, this is the most popular type of tea in East-Korea.

[編輯] 最棒最好的茶!現泡回香就像原味!

只有笨蛋才會相信這種廣告詞,真的跑去買一瓶來喝。

[編輯] 夸瑞威 茶

一種全世界最重的茶。

註:"夸瑞威"是Grave的音譯,用其音譯保留其聲情趣味,先賢古德早用此法,近代者"煙士披理純"inspiration(靈感)"淡巴菰"tobaco(菸草)等,古代者有"范特西"fantasy(狂想曲)。 沒有人可以抗拒牛頓的地心引力,沒有人可以抗拒Grave 茶(只有地心引力可以與他相比)


A cup of tea and some Rich Sod biscuits. Rich sod biscuits work very well with tea. Then again, they work very well as drinks coasters.
Former rugby internationalist Manmountain Dense, who now prefers to be called Penelope, has benefited spectacularly from tea. "It gives you fabulous norks," says Penelope.
這個老先生很清楚的透露出英國人有高達八成只愛茶包不愛戰爭的想法。
|
就算是身在戰爭中約翰牛們不忘叫鬼子泡杯茶。

|}

[編輯] Homoerotic Nipple Tea (HNT)

Made from the milk of lactating men or chicks (the chickens). Arnold Schwarzenegger is a prime producer of HNT milk. Does not make men gay, but might make them take up flower arranging, in order to get in touch with their feminine side.

[編輯] 真茶

唯一百分之百是真的茶。(不存在這世界上)

「I am certain that I exist.」

- Reali Teaa coaster的說法


[編輯] Moon Tea

登陸月球的阿姆斯壯 took a packet of Moon Tea on board Apollo 11 1/2. They never drunk it. The packet of tea is now displayed in the Museum Of Things That Don't Exist, along with Shakespeare's book How to Spell Properly Instead of Making Yourself Look Like a Twit In Uncyclopedia and John F. Kennedy's tutu.

[編輯] 約克夏茶

在約克(York)這個地方,一杯茶裡面有六頭拉馬車的馬(shire),就叫做約克夏茶(Yorkshire Tea)。

[編輯] Teaspotting Tea

Tea with a spoonful of heroin.

[編輯] Cee Yu-en Tea

A bit fishy, this one.

[編輯] Demonic Moonwizard Tea

Made using eye of toad, leg of newt, wing of bat and a pinch of Lapsang. Very popular with Harry Potter fans, but then again everything with the word "wizard" is.

[編輯] 冷茶

這茶冷卻到只高於 絕對零度,因此用次針穿刺它 , 製造茶的爆泡週期. 風行於許多不列顛海邊避暑勝地;尤其 是發生於某些稀少偶發情況;由於天氣使然,使這茶變得只高於絕對零度。

[編輯] Battered Tea榨乾彆茶

一種蘇格蘭的美食.完全由搾乾彆的 蒂澤Tizer 和搾乾彆的 愛恩布露兒Irn-Bru製作而成。

[編輯] Beer Tea

Understandably, the best selling brand of tea in the world, ever. Anyone who has never tasted the cool, refreshing blend of tea and beer before is - and let's face it, everybody knows this - a big fat loser.

[編輯] Bread Tea

Tea that you can make sandwiches with. Don't, whatever you do, use marmite with Bread Tea. It might explode.

[編輯] Jewish Tea

Exactly the same as ordinary tea, only with a beard.

[編輯] Tea that is not unwelcome within the streets of Babylon

This is tea that is not unwelcome within the streets of Babylon. It is, however, most unwelcome in the streets of everywhere else due to racism.

[編輯] 波士頓轟趴茶

This is a special and highly scented variety of American tea originating from a journalistic error. It is sometimes flavoured with mollases, and is held in high esteem by Cecil and Harrison Ford.

[編輯] Dead Tea

A lake on the border of Israel and Jordan (the country, not the woman with the enormous jugs), filled with incredibly salty tea.

[編輯] 茶的剋星(反茶)

反茶(符號︰-T)用於[反物質]反應。理論上說︰如果茶的粒子與反茶的粒子相碰撞,將會發生劇烈的爆炸,並且兩者互相抵消(湮沒)。, say, Essex, and possibly the Isle of Sheppey too.


註︰[反物質]反應,是一個很嚴肅的物理實驗。

[編輯] Goat Tea

Tea that has been drained through the wool of Welsh mountain goats, then drizzled with grated cheese and a bit of Worcestershire sauce. Only 109 people have died of goat tea consumption so far this year, the lowest figure for several centuries.

[編輯] T-Shirt Tea

Tea that has been dripped on a T-shirt, then wringed out back into the kettle. Very popular with airlines.

[編輯] Tea Inspired By The Epic Swordfight Between The Mole Prince And The Deadly Assassin

In cinemas near you NOW! (15 certificate)

[編輯] Fractal Tea

Tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea...

[編輯] Spit Tea

It's done by spitting in your own tea.

[編輯] 虎茶

一種從母老虎的下體中所製造出的茶。(這也就是為什麼早餐玉米片包裝盒上的那隻東尼虎沒辦法喝到這種茶)

[編輯] Umpire Tea

Tea that only tastes nice if you hit it over the boundary. Otherwise, it gives you the runs.

[編輯] 給老公喝的茶

"我沒有杯子裝了,呼嚕!"(口齒不清狀)

[編輯] 咖啡

咖啡為之。或許 咖啡茶為之。不論如何,味道非常像是兩者的混合。然而說到混合則必須加上蒲公英及牛蒡的混合物這方法是好得太過份了點。

以上說法適合不求甚解的普羅大眾。荀子曾說:「 茶,咖啡為之而苦於咖啡。 ←→ 咖啡,茶為之而苦於茶。」( 萃取法為之精煉 →← 介面活性為之媒介)

Tea made from coffee. Or possibly coffee made from tea. Either way, it tastes exactly like tea mixed with coffee, with a bit of Dandelion & Burdock mixed in there too for good measure.

[編輯] Necessi Tea

The most needed tea across the entire world.

「It's good to feel wanted」

- Necessi TeaItself的說法


[編輯] 螃蟹茶

As sold in supermarkets everywhere, usually in a plain white box with "TEA" written on it. A speciality of Netto and Lidl.

[編輯]

茶。

[編輯] 真紅的茶

據說真紅衛兵每天必須進貢給真紅女王的茶,而且還是要朝比奈十九六泡的紅茶才行。

[編輯] Sunset Rose Tea

Tea containing ridiculous amounts of sunlight and roses with a hint of spiciness. This flavor of tea is the best-seller among many tea-dealers and/or tea-pirates.

[編輯] Spoon Tea

Tea that still has the spoon left in it, hence making eye-pokage a very real possibility. As found in ophthalmologist waiting rooms everywhere.

[編輯] 遺忘之茶

呃...(我忘記了)

[編輯] Otter Tea

Tea made from otter fur. Very difficult to get hold of, due to the dangerous nature of the average otter.

S.H.I茶是超熱導體茶(Super Heated Induction)的縮寫。比太陽還熱,用於茶融合(見以下)

[編輯] 沒有茶

單單的缺少滾水而且(或者)顯然找不到格雷伯爵茶。

[編輯] Nest-Tea

Nest-Tea is a type of low quality tea manufactured by the Nest-Lee corporation. Nest-Tea is made from the nests of tropical birds rather than tea leaves to reduce the cost of manufacturing prices. The Nest-Lee corporation also produces Nest-Cafe, a type of coffee made from birds' nests.

[編輯] Curiosi Tea

An unusual and fascinating tea variety, now known to be fatal to cats.

[編輯] Tea Leoni

Stolen tea.

[編輯] 爛茶

一種真的完全沒有任何效果的茶。

[編輯] 泡沫紅茶

這種茶可以在你洗泡泡浴的時候做出來,只要不停的加入香噴噴的橘子茶就好了。據說檯灣也有類似的名產。

[編輯] German Der Herr's Tea

Primarily made of saucages and sauerkraut, sometimes with a touch of nazi-essence.

Also known as Teh Brandburger Tea Tor

(Note: Spell properly, moron)

[編輯] Tea Rex

A tea that existed on Earth long before mankind came about. Christians believe that recipes for Tea Rex were placed here by the Devil to trick people, because the Bible didn't say anything about Tea Rex.

[編輯] 非常茶

This is a special kind of tea that has two tea bags, two table spoons of sugar served in a skanky but rinsed cup.

[編輯] Dei-tea

就是很特別的茶

[編輯] 滅絕茶

這茶味道嘗起來嘔買尬。

[編輯] Go Tea

A delicious tea as well as a fashionable facial hair.

[編輯] 茶骨牛排

名稱可不是那俗氣的 T-Bone(丁骨牛排),而是 Tea-Bone(茶骨牛排)呢!這是一種從茶的骨頭當中烹調出來的美味牛排。

[編輯] Eterni Tea不朽之茶

A tea that never ends! 茶 是 永不止息。(贊曰︰茶是恆久忍耐又有恩慈,茶是不嫉妒,茶是不自誇不張狂,不做害羞的事,不求自己的益處,不輕易發怒,不相信不義,只喜歡真理。凡事相信凡事忍耐,凡事要忍耐,茶 是 永不止息。)

[編輯] OICAQ Tea

Tea that looks rather attractive, this is sadly however extinct

[編輯] Gods urine (眾神之溺)

The grandfather of all tea, and in case your wondering.... yes Coffee is the opposite; we'll leave it there. 眾茶之祖,你抱著高度的好奇....咖啡正好相反;我們聽任其存在。

[編輯] iTea

蘋果電腦的全新產品,版本6.46,比最新的iphone還屌。

[編輯] 烏茲別克的茶

Tea that is named for the country of Uzbekistan, which consequently turns into a blood-sucking vampire that was unfortunately accused of raping young children, who happens to be Sam Bucca.

[編輯] Tea Fusion

茶是力量的一個主要來源,特別英國,茶在豐盈的地方。 茶融合的發展在1944幫助英國的軍隊設計靠機械裝置維持生命的人 英王衛士軍隊(用火箭胳膊、jetpacks和傻的帽子完成)為了接管世界… 最終,在幾愛好和好以後坐下。

茶融合運作在砲擊分子旁邊二氫的一氧化物DHMO與正面teons,創造殺害一切在英哩半徑之內的一個巨變核反應,但留下宜人地嗅到頁技巧的一切仍然。

科學家在創造茶融合反應器現在工作在Dungeness,應該提供 (和水)英國的東南部的整體。 這份計劃不是沒有危險,雖則; 他們嘗試此的上次,他們創造了一個火山口大小伯明翰。 哀傷地,他們沒有創造一個火山口"在"伯明翰… 但給它時間。

[編輯] 茶的相關知識

  • 每一秒都有七百萬公噸的茶被全世界猴子給製造出來。
  • 如果你將英國每年賣出的每一箱茶堆起來的話,那你就完成了一件不可置信的蠢事。
  • 波蘭,基於波蘭的貿易保護法,這種東西是被禁用的(她們每年都必須禁十樣東西,以防國內純真無邪的美少女國民們被欺負)。下一個預定被禁的東西是巴爾莎木(Balsa wood)。
  • 喝茶時的節奏,和小孩子「噓噓」的時候是相同的。
  • 教皇很喜歡喝茶。
  • 配茶最好的食物是硬膠餅
  • 中國,他們喝茶是用筷子來喝的(?)。至今沒有人可確定,但懷疑此事有巫術介入。如果不是的話?(英國腔)那一定又是哪個中國小子在騙我,哼嗯。
  • 英國政府對茶的每日建議用量(RDA)是不論男女,每人一日五公升,縱使女人必須用小杯子喝茶

[編輯] 參見

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